once written, but never sent

I've been trying to tell you this for a long time. Guess it's harder than I thought. It's just that I keep falling in love with you, all the time, and seems like there's nothing I can do about it. I got a chance and I screwed everything up, I know. I was afraid. I thought I wasn't enough even though you kept telling me I was. I loved you, but was too damn scared to admit it, so I lost you. I was afraid of saying it...I was afraid of feeling it. I tried to find reasons to push you away and as I didn't, I made them up. Got me that much time to realize I wanted you as badly as you wanted me. And I still do. I want to hug you for as long as you let me, and kiss you goodnight, and stay up with you when you can't sleep or there's a storm outside, and buy you flowers, and wait for you on your school steps with your vanilla latte, and send you messages when you're not expecting any. But the thing is... I can't do this anymore. People tell me I need to get over it. Get over you. Even I do. So I tried to go out more often with my friends, I tried to get attatched to someone and not see the cracks I always do, but it didn't work. They weren't what I wanted. They weren't you. I never actually gave'em a chance 'cause I was always waiting for you to come around. It's been a long time, I know, and maybe I feel that way 'cause we didn't get a closer or something... I don't know. I just felt the need to tell you all the stuff I never let you know... The fact that though I still like you and care about you and know that I probably always will, I know you're better off without me. I couldn't make you happy, but I know she can. And I like to see you happy. I don't want you to feel pity about it or anything, you know? I'm okay. Well, not really, but I'm getting there. And I'm still your friend. I don't want things to change. I don't want to get away from you, or stop talking to you or anything... But I'll understand if you want to. Really. Just know that, no matter how bad things are, when you feel like you can't take it on your own, or you can't make it, I'm always here to lend you a hand or two. Like I read somewhere the other day: if I can't love you as a lover, then I'll love you as a friend.